Why being a woman is a better option for me
tracyrichards
To all the naysayers out there, of why that is a better choice and I want to give you a chance to arrange enough length of time to get you started - and finally, your take on religion. Everything idealistic here - with reality tossed in.
The first is self-esteem-happiness the next is to get rid of the urge/desire -masturbation - no more torment. The fatigue that comes from hiding. Really those reasons by themselves are enough. Loving oneself first makes it easier to love others. Keeping friends who are your real friends.

So thats what was going on?
tracyrichards
I was able to surmise stuff better about myself last night and my visit back here in Albuquerque. The TGRCNM (two visits), the guy with those ugly fingernails, Samon Pi's last days (and do consider malpractice), my 4 visits to SA group, the solid,good cleanup yesterday, church and lgbt issues/Deutoronomy 22:5 and discovery of this new counseling website. Last night just the little bit of writing and light bulb allowed me 4 hours sleep, finally in bed at 1am.
Conclusions I had were that transition must begin with Christian therapy in order to work peacefully for you, your SA stuff did need reduction of all the imagery seen but your issues - you are more trans now than CD, your actions and thoughts are starting to show it. So SA can only be partly effective. Still good but not 100% your problem -and still necesary to attend meetings. You are your own person and not Hugh Savage (guy on SA online, CD in England). The Deutoronomy 22:5 stuff quit making sense as I got out more and indulged in self-discovery. Because I didnt see it as wearing opposite clothing most of the time. It fit good, felt good and lusting thoughts were directed at something else - like what would I do with them on?! Became an anxiety release- once out it went away-until as soon as I came home again.
I in the back of my mind new this. I am a slow thinker and slow at processing thoughts. Im talking about getting over-involved with lifestyle changes. I would have lusted after too much more. I would not have wanted to return to previous self, seeing the joy and fun it brought me. Would have made my trip home today MUCH more difficult.
I can also surmise with my codependent needs for Wanda, she makes it easier to hide this stuff,she brings out the male part of me, making it easier, more comfortable to act the part. Thats a big reason you cant let her go- along with her craziness.

Well, most anywhere.....
tracyrichards
I am tired and broke and that wont get a lot done today.

At some point you will
tracyrichards
Dressing up too long today although I could not help it. The only way to stop your erection is to ejaculate or go out in public. And I would go out but not enough money to do anything, or go anywhere. Tomorrow I will go out for sure. I should be able to be out for most of the day, from a bike ride, thru UNM campus, to getting an email security verification to afternoon at TGRCNM to night meeting. Also I am aware of a couple things. I only have two days left here. I wont get down on myself because I tried to extend Samon Pi's life as long as I could. In no way was I going to get away from and pursue this lifestyle without enormous guilt. But I certainly will let you go almost anywhere out when you are alone, here in Albuquerque. I wanted to go out tonight to that Rising Sun service. I was not too afraid. But its not the kind of service I am used to- a woman giving the message, the loud instrumental music. I would want to find a church that feels more real. And we talked about it early, we see a good photo opp we take it. It doesnt matter what I am wearing, or 90% of most places. The SA book talks about surrendering- and you do need to give into it, to control your anxiety and to accept yourself.
You know we talked in September after you were discovered about what needed to happen next. I believe in the back of her mind Wanda was serious about leaving you once she got half this money. Fight Alex and that part of you hits back harder. The only thing that being outted does for you-and it is real positive is it sets you free.

This is where it gets dangerous....
tracyrichards
Sitting around and jerking off I mean. When you have long hours like this with incapacitation and absolutely nothing to do. Yes I know about going over to the church tonight. I feel a little odd. I would be more confident in going if I had my insurance papers current in the glove compartment, unfortunately I do not. This is turning into one of those afternoons I get afraid of. I mean in terms of jerking off all afternoon, accomplishing nothing.

Slip up- to be expected
tracyrichards
What was the first thing you noted. Was I need to hang out with my friends so I need to be this way. Peer pressure. And what was the first thing I noticed? I was lusting. Even if I was not acting out, I was still being bothered by feeling so turned on and excited inside. Try it if you would like for two days without touching yourself to see how far you can go. It is impossible to CD and not feel aroused. What is the point of even doing it if you dont feel turned on inside. Yes, the term surrender. You have to accept the fact that you have to surrender to it and allow God to take over. I realize I have two days of doing absolutely nothing so I need to give myself something to do. Get aroused at myself. Everything else is too boring. So what if you get really dizzy doing this. Dont you want to feel good?

Difficult day
tracyrichards
Starting of course with having to put salmon pie down this morning. I kind of felt this day was coming for some time. Certainly all of this last week and despite the fact that there is some relief to get over this exhaustion I still feel the guilt, the remorse and feel I owe it to him and his memory to do nothing but sulk. Doing fun things is disrespectful to him when I should be honoring him through mourning. Well, I need to get on a Pet Grief site to honor him.
At the same time I knew how ravaged his body was and it was too far gone. I think, like Joe said, he appreciated your efforts to try to save him. I mean, like you said, your efforts for him were very selfless and pushed yourself into exhaustion. It is weird to feel this relief right now. I think you need to engage in some self care to care for thse around you, like your cats ad do things to stimulate your mind and stop feeling guilty about that- and pray.

Myself as a Woman
tracyrichards
No. I am totally aware there is no utopia for a woman. I do feel like they are treated bettet, have more opportunities and that is one reason to transition.p.o. As for todaY, quit jerking off otherwise you will think this whole thing is sex addiction again.

Today
tracyrichards
Not really a lot on the schedule but you know where you stand. You dont go out today in public in someway, you dont rest. Akthough it has been a very long time here since being out.Just keep it simple with something eady to do. Progress to something bigger tomorrow.

SA, Insomnia, Tomorrow
tracyrichards
You can forget about getting any sleep until you can get your brain settled. Obviously tomorrow you will want to visit TGRCNM. Because it has been 7-8 months you wont know what to expect, so anxiety will keep you from falling asleep. Of course I am overexcited. How else is there to feel? Make up will go on early when Im not too tired and just stay an hour or two, unless Diane is there, blabbing about her job again. Then late afternoon, as I want to pick up SP as late as possible. Rest of morning, clean, prepare for Saturday departure. Call Spay OK and then Boltons to check on cats shots. Having been so long since I have been out it will be difficult not to act out at all. Not prepared for that. Not scheduled to go to group tomorrow.

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