So here in Illinois
tracyrichards
I know tonight's sleep is being interrupted by Gwen being at Mom's while I am talking on the phone. I worry she could be upset for not contacting her these last few weeks, or any kind of invite to this memorial but like you said Mom tells Gwen everything and would have let her know exactly what is going on. Like you said, Gwen could have chosen to come here if she wanted to. You might want to contact her in another day, send pictures. No sleep, lunch would be the only thing to survive and could do it well tomorrow, don't worry about arrival time in Chicago.

Better to counsel yourself 2
tracyrichards
Yes I need to listen to myself. I jerked off tonight at the joy of seeing myself from a month ago looking so proud in the Coronado Center parking lot, then I compard my recent photo with Mary Roberts and our similarities. Visualizing myself with similar lipstick and earrings. It became such anatural thing to wear and I miss looking like rhat.
I look back though at this summer and see how I still wouldn't have made it because of my extreme codependency issues. I think I even told Kat that because of my codependency I would literally have to askWanda for permission transition. And she agreed. I was going to write on that CODA page that we must not compare ourselves to the status quo, to the average person as we would never be understood.

Better to counsel yourself 2
tracyrichards
Yes I agree but add that you need extra juice for your phone in Chicago.

Better to counsel yourself
tracyrichards
Sometimes we do need help but the mess here, much started by Mom is making it hard to decide what to do.
As for the 12 Steps of SAA, work them but keep them to youself. Whenever you mention how something finally works to someone else you very shortly afterwards question it.
Of course I miss Cela and you make a good point about it, the turn-on, arousel part of it, it feels so good that it is impossible to want to do anything else. Even dressed up, I would want to go out and stay out ALL the time to keep me feeling high. I could not do another activity because it would be boring by comparison to the arousal experienced in dressing up plus going out. Even if I was at home dressed up I could not sit still long enough to play the guitar, watch tv, coloring books or jigsaw puzzles. Those things would have to be in public so I could feel some arousal between my legs, then I could enjoy it.
As I went out and about, I learned, in the liberal parts of NM at least that business owners did not care one iota about how U looked because I made them money. I do miss it but I would be so anxious and overexcited that I would be terribly unorganized and did not present myself well.
Some of the people in the meetings, especially the young ones, looked so grotesque but that was them and I didnt have to look like them, I had much better taste. When I worked at it I could look good, like that day at the Coronado Mall, when I went into Macy's.

Still need to coach myself for sleep
tracyrichards
It will be a long day because I know my brain is not ready to relax and fall asleep yet. But I at least close my eyes for several hours. I am in Chicago, my 2017 trip here, first since 1979. I don't really want to see anything from Uncle Jack but at least it will be early morning. I look forward to getting back to Oklahoma so I can start healing from this nasty cold. Glad I didn't go up the John Hancock Tower, I was much too exhausted. Yes there is pressure to fall asleep tonight for Uncle Jack and Aunt Marilyn, both do not know you are sick.

An emotional day
tracyrichards
Started out very slow, again you were afraid and not certain what you wanted to do or divide time as he or she. I went to the meeting at noon and after not being invited to lunch afterwards I went home, within two hours drew up the courage to get out and go to the TGRC, there for 2 hours. Some waiting on phone calls, went next door, can't pull down or install blinds. (read, watch youtube videos)......Becoming deeper friends with Laura and GiGi and that is getting scary because it's real, it makes your marriage not look good.
Yes it is scary, that as I get farther out of the closet and into this new role, I have clashing personalities. Like with Thumbtack, detaching from her because I spend too much time either out or playing with myself.
Obviously I am very thrilled about your real life therapy and living as a woman, my inner feelings, my brain could never express enough gratitude but you need to settle down, not get too overexcited and learn to deal with people - otherwise everything WILL backfire. Get your bike fixed, continue to lose weight, buy a crockpot, buy the groceries for that. Buy the Allen wrenches for your bike. You don't need to revert to your male role so much.
Now it is a late night and not expected to sleep which is why I am at the laundry at 2am, do it while I still have a little bit of energy. Upset about having to go to Illinois. How I function, how I act, how I present myself. My gender stuff, my brain not allowing me to fall asleep. But I have to keep going until I drop. It could take a heart attack to force me out.

An emotional day
tracyrichards
Started out very slow, again you were afraid and not certain what you wanted to do or divide time as he or she. I went to the meeting at noon and after not being invited to lunch afterwards I went home, within two hours drew up the courage to get out and go to the TGRC, there for 2 hours. Some waiting on phone calls, went next door, can't pull down or install blinds. (read, watch youtube videos)......Becoming deeper friends with Laura and GiGi and that is getting scary because it's real, it makes your marriage not look good.
Yes it is scary, that as I get farther out of the closet and into this new role, I have clashing personalities. Like with Thumbtack, detaching from her because I spend too much time either out or playing with myself.
Obviously I am very thrilled about your real life therapy and living as a woman, my inner feelings, my brain could never express enough gratitude but you need to settle down, not get too overexcited and learn to deal with people - otherwise everything WILL backfire. Get your bike fixed, continue to lose weight, buy a crockpot, buy the groceries for that. Buy the Allen wrenches for your bike. You don't need to revert to your male role so much.

the meetings are messing up your schedule
tracyrichards
Being with all these men is getting uncomfortable yet have to do it. As Tracy, you need to show your commitment to being out, so go for an hour before Artisans.
But I don't have anything to wear, all my clothes are messed up, dirty, unironed. Need to get out.
Ok, I will take you to TGRC for a little bit, then to Artisans. Then come back home and clean this house. I want to see Gi Gi and Laura.

Today
tracyrichards
Main thing is to hopefully get those two flagstones placed, ASAP, before Mike so the yard can be done, so he just comes to get paid and we say bye. Then we go from there. I hoped to be out today, get groceries. Meeting at TGRC at 7pm, bring ad done.
So that means, make advertisement today. Advertise in the Alibi, Craigslist, ABQ Journal, KAFB Nucleus.

Posting about Codependency
tracyrichards
For a share in the next couple days.
My marriage has always been an acted one, full of lies, full of fear....one of convenience. As we get older we need to be together more for our needs of physical care taking and less money.
I enjoy going to my wife's Church of Christ because it gives me the opportunity to escape from my wife, even if we are together. Here we can pretend our world is perfect. Everyone at her church loves us. I've gone to the same Church of Christ denomination the past 10 years so have learned how to act with people, how to pretend and believe in their doctrine even though I don't often believe in it. I like the fellowship meals at church too because we can be with others, as opposed to being with ourselves. Ours is the perfect marriage in others eyes and that is what I act to convey.
When we are together nothing is wrong- there must not be. Internally I can't accept it another way. I have to hide from myself, otherwise face ridicule. But there are times we are apart from each other and a freedom long forgotten comes back. I am reminded in the first Codependent book I read, back in the 1990's of how one can not begin to heal until they are detached from the person, as so we can see from the sideline what is wrong with the relationship.
Getting current, we have been apart since mid-May, three months. By the (either blessing or misfortune) of being stuck with an inconsistent, unreliable worker to landscape our property that has separated us 700 miles apart for longer than we thought. My codependency did not allow me to fire the guy, who will finally finish today. This has allowed me to explore my inner feelings, see that there is something deep inside, burning to get out. Freedom to think. Crossdressing issues, related to sex addiction and gender dysphoria aching to get out - but painful to deal with and being with my wife allows me the escape from dealing with it. There is something about being with my wife that fulfills something missing from my teenage years, early adulthood. Being with my wife covers for the loss of my grandmother. There is something about the way she treats me that is similar to the way my grandmother treated me and that keeps me with her.
My wife has the CODA issues too, the often one-sided love affair of our marriage, more like unrequited love. Too me we are just strong friends, to her something much more. But the time and distance away from one another I know that eventually one of us will break and won't be able to be apart from one another. She will come back to me, perhaps as early as Friday afternoon here in New Mexico, or back with her in 3 weeks in Oklahoma. I can hear it in her voice, her messages, desperation is setting in to get back together. She is hurting, physically with many aches and pains, associated with age, obesity and arthritis, with diabetes. She will be 68 in two weeks.
Be sure to write about how you think she sees you. The likelihood that she will want to control you, make certain you bring someone in here you don't like, someone that will keep you from wanting to stay.
In the past, yes, didn't want me to be around people I liked being around, didn't like me seeking groups, psychotherapy. Her way of controlling - because I'm sure she knows that would sway, persuade me not to break away from her.

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