ok, so here we are, two weeks free....

I would like to start by saying to watch your spending, read the books, the Money Drunk and A Currency of Hope. I am finding myself going into stores and coming out with things I didn't really need. Then always having to go to the store for something every day. You want to be a step ahead of Wanda with this. I am aware, so need prayer for that. It's great that you got this garage set up like I do but also need to realize that I don't need everything, I can't have everything. As for music equipment, just try to keep this place locked up as much as possible and really only need to buy guitar strings and picks. So much is available for free now online, on youtube.

As for Cela, I would imagine I am going to still give her a go. Once I get stuff out of storage and put the wigs on and dress up I will be very compelled to stay like that and not give it up. That is also something to be very aware of, the danger of getting hooked and withdrawal symptoms are very difficult. You will need to spend time talking to your lord, your higher power tonight, one on one. But it is good to have some freedom, for sure.
As you know and like how you have been thinking about the need to find work, beginning with volunteering. I hope to have something lined up as early as Wednesday and do it for a month until we leave. I don't expect to have this place rented until around the first of January. We are behind and think Wanda at least listened.

You don't want to fall asleep so out with it......

O.k., so to be honest I want you to reach inside and tell me exactly why you won't sleep. First of all, you are fighting yourself. You don't want to sleep, why?
Well, there is fear too, like the doctor says, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are afraid if you don't get enough sleep Wanda is going to start thinking something is wrong with you, emotionally. Like what are you worried about, etc.... Now I know tonight started with Bec's thing on FB (again you might want to unfollow her)and then enhance itself from there. Then you read one of those small Christian books and become convinced that God wants us to love ourselves. He goes so far as to say, Love your neighbor as you love yourself, which means, well, you gotta love yourself. Then Wanda wakes up and we go out and that is it.
First, I would not go out in public, or to the TGRC while she is gone as that could cause a serious relapse again. You also just ejaculated, you will feel better about it in an hour, ready to jerk off again.
So yes, I worry about falling asleep during the day and Wanda questioning me about what is going on.
I also worry about having to tell her, look, I know I am trans, I always wanted to look like a woman, I hate hiding it but have had to. Worrying about telling her this is a TON of worry and will keep you awake. My mind refuses to relax or fall asleep until this gets taken care of.
Well, ok, you might want to apply the SA and SAA principles to this. You want to look like a woman because it turns you on - masturbation, lust, arousal, those are all signs of a sex addiction and it doesn't have to be porn. I prefer to say that I am a masturbation and lust addict because sex addict, well my turning myself on doesn't have anything to do with having sex, or porn. I don't really call masturbation self-sex because my thinking has nothing to do with having sex. The concept with SA is to shut it out of your mind, completely. ONCE you feel that lust, which is ANY kind of thought - which always comes from imagery. Where did tonight begin? It began with Bec and her weightlifting-weight loss. Like I said, these next two weeks work on codependency but also on the SAA principles. Plan to attend meetings Saturday at 10:30, Monday at 7 and at least a half dozen meetings, with writing out your thoughts too.

Insane Jealousy

Here we go again, another sleepless night and as usual every other night. Tonight I am bothered by Bec's weightloss and bodybuilding success, In the beginning I thought she was goibg thru a fad but looking at her history I can tell rhat probably her marriage made her obese, losing her dad, Gary combined with that is keeping her motivated not to stop. 4 consecitive months is pretty good, I am lucky to get 2 straight weeks. I wont sleep tonight, then give up with imsomia and Wanda taking us somewhere to eat. Women lifting weights, transforming into sexy has always bothered me. I often thought of wanting to pursue Bec but my gender dysphoria makes that impossible. At Bec's pace she will lose 100 lbs by summertime and be muscular and trimmed down at 170.
Knowing two very huge motivators in her life, getting back at her ex, losing Gary to his obese issues will have her motivated. She is now in the gym by herself even. I need to eork on my jealous crap.

As we go into the night

Not a bad day in my drab side but still aware of what I am. GlAD to find new cat but know I must be careful not to get too attached. I think it has an owner, it is well fed, with healthy looking fur. Should by headphones from Guitar Center, for night playing. Will try to keep head cool. if I sleep o.k., bike ride early tomorrow.


I urge you to read your Codependency books and practice. Like I said, you will need it when Wanda is gone for two weeks. Hit it HARD. Right now I feel totally powerless. Wanda is totally out of control, like a cyclone at times. All she wants to do is shop, shop, shop. I dread each day, don't look forward to the next day because it is going to involve some kind of drudgery with her. It is like a job, living with her is a job and I am getting physically warn out. Especially today because I rode 20 miles yesterday and was so hot that I could not fall asleep until 2am, when I came in here. Very little, if anything ever gets used. I can talk about, suggest her hoarding problems and she will almost totally ignore that. And she has Fran totally on her side. Perfect for each other, because they are both paranoid. But I am powerless over her. Codependency at it's very worst. I suggest you continue with the online-therapy counseling with Maggie Sweet because of your approval addiction, you have to hear direction from someone else before you act. The only thing that got really scary was my inner anger turning around and become outer. Of which I could feel myself acting violent towards Wanda. I do not want that. I don't know how to deal with the situation. The best thing that I can look at from this is that this is pushing me to start looking for work, so I can be out of the house 10 hours per day.
It might be good for you to continue attending University while Wanda is gone, so people can/ will get to know YOU. Maybe you will draw sympathy. Like you said earlier, you can not judge a book by it's cover, you have to read thru it. Referring to Fran saying how beautiful Oklahoma looks, the land around her house. Keep in mind too that she never lived there like you.

Because of the long ride yesterday, you can get by today.

I still might want to have something to do, now that I am awake. Just a short ride would be good, to the east and back. I had to come to the garage to sleep last night because I was so hot in the face that I couldn't wear my mask, so had to go where it was dark and managed to get 4 and a half hours of sleep with this. I could do laundry too. Maybe do that when I get back from my short ride to the east and back. I like the idea of finally making photographic prints of some of your best stuff.

So just about to wrap things up for the night.

I am excited about trans activity while Wanda is back in Oklahoma but will advise you of things to be careful about.....But I look forward to looking like I did shortly before I left. I hope to find the concealer. I might bring items in a day or two before she departs. I plan to dress as soon as she is gone. But again, be careful not to get your mind TOO warped.
I just spent the last three hours editing photos from Yuma and from Tucson. Only Las Cruces and Elephant Butte Lake remain. I would have preferred to write in my journal and get a lot more issues settled but you know how I am with photography, get so hooked onto that. I hope I can get some rest tonight for labor I should do tomorrow. Painting the wall and take items to recycle.
Trans issues. Thinking about dressing up relaxes me, helps me to get some rest too. If I fight I will be up all night. I am working on self acceptance and self love with that. I want to write a rebuttal to David Nestor's sermon Wednesday night. Know that he is not an expert in knowledge over the whole transgender issue. He knows a LOT less than he thinks he does. I bought new psychology books today, that of which I didn't have any time to go through, instead working on photos and the long bike ride. I forgot to shower, that's how wrapped up in the photography I got.

Transgender stuff

It is the Trans month of Remembrance. Has nothing to do with it being placed there for me. ALL a coincidence but I most likely will want to take advantage and come out.

Next week

Obviously excited and relieved about next week being alone for two weeks. I would/ should have a bunch of groceries at home, ready to cook because the minute I get home I will want to change to female attire. I won't want to go out as Alec the minute I am dressed.
To remind you that Carlos should and will be back, right around that time and the house will be advertised. Dress up will be here, in the garage. You won't get as much time as you would like. I would be surprised to see you in public more than twice and at the TGRC 1-3 times max. Much activity will be taking place here as we close in on renting.
I look and reflect back. That going to Illinois really screwed up plans at the Truman Center and TGRC. That was the weirdest 24 hour period of my life, going female into Macy's and the following day coming back male, buying male clothing for a funeral. I will be able to attend two support group meetings, as long as I can park out back, use the club. Be safe. Just a nicer car is the main worry. Don't go to the support group m2f, the non-binary and Rainbow, are better.
You need to look back at the beginning of the last paragraph and be honest with yourself. How much would it have really helped? You were still leaving. You would have only gotten an appointment or two max.

Too much counseling - slow down!!!!

Pace yourself. You went through routine here before. Remember when you told Wanda I felt I still had two more months left before I could rent this place out? There is still a little bit to do each day. Tomorrow I want to load up the car, probably early, to take junk to the recycle bin south of Dreamstyle Arena. I caution you about painting with the neighbors car there. Next is to dust off the patio.