Tonight sleep on cot in the living side of the basement since my sheets are drying.  Should be nice though because I will be able to read and write and watch tv shows..

Tonight with the Larson's was exhausting.  You know how pushy and opinionated Esther can be so just work on compromising.   Anyhow I am getting sleepy  so will head to bed real soon.

Fighting evil thoughts

Thoughts of snakes again, CDing, acting out anger.  All those I am fearful of.  I do need to be concerned about the heavier vitamin-taking and exercising.  That sounds healthy but in reality, yes and no.    More oxygen in the brain makes you think more and with a lot of unclean thoughts that can float through, get stuck in — your head, that means more thinking of both good and bad thoughts.   The vitamins also complementing.   For right now, minimal exercise and minimal vitamin taking is a better idea, build it up gradually, otherwise your brain will become a train wreck.  Most often it is better to become an airhead, where you don't know what is going on and don't worry so much. .

Yeah, upset about having to pay back student loan

I guess I will start paying back some, a little bit at a time and work with someone on that, maybe $100 a month, tomorrow will look up company information.  The school, like most schools a ripoff.  I especially feel for Mauro.  It was crude of them to allow a person with a learning disability into the school.  Reminder too to begin to look for work, doing so — and volunteering will help get you out of the house and away from joewilrj.    Just start applying online, can do it that way for the temp agencies.  You have now been here one month, so no more excuses from this point.  Of course in the beginning you still had to recover from this bug, then that period of helping Mom with Winnie.

Warned you about complacency here

That was alarming yesterday, seeing Winnie taken off her medication and giving me flashback from years ago.   Frustrating because I had been doing well here from CD thinking and sobriety from that for nearly 5 weeks.   That is where/ when I have to be really careful and almost better to stay awake nights.  Like you said, you know that Mom is not going to give a shit whether or not Winnie's behavior gets explosive.  Knowing how she feels about Winnie.  Gwen is right when she talks about how Mom is so enabling and supportive of Winnie.   It would make sense that in a lot of families where there is a special needs child there could be a lot of internal and dysfunctional problems, with one sibling receiving giant amounts of attention.   But you could see the old her reemerging yesterday.  She was put on a high dosage, like anyone with severe psychosis needs to be put on it — and stay on it.   So you know that Winnie is going to stay/ remain this way for a while until some explosive episodes start happening again.    She is not respectful and tolerant.

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She could be down here Thursday

Ok, so that means for you to scatter but also — go back and look at your notes from early arrival here in Salem of what you wanted to do.   Find work, stay busy, find a doctor, get your Ambien, get your rest — stay busy, find work, find a doctor — get your Ambien, get your rest.  

1-2 days per week is enough for you right now plus a couple days of volunteering.  

Reminder that since you got here, you first spent the first 10-14 days still in recovery from the flu virus of Christmas, then for another 10 days nonstop work at Winnie's apartment and helping her after she arrived. 

Just today (Tuesday) and Thursday to go visit Winnie. 


Mom asking us this morning when we are going to be leaving, as Joyce asked her when we are.  I told her I don't know, that I thought we were sticking around until June??   I sleep good because I like the way that life is going right now.  No Gwen around, Thumbtack likes it here and like seeing her liking it here. 

Whoa!!  Now be careful what you wish for.  You have gotten complacent.  It will not be long before Gwen shows up down here.  You didn't/ stopped pursuing work because you were still in recovery from that awful flu bug and you were working full time in getting Winnie situated.  You have to stay around here and work if you want to stay.  Eventually Gwen will hear about it and that will force you to uproot, do something real FAST!!    You need to lock yourself into something.

Two things you should do, first is to get rid of that counseling.  You can talk and motivate yourself thru this, the next is to look for work.  Temp agency.   Let's try to get started on that this week.   If you do that Wanda will respect that, she won't bug you to take her on all her appointments over you holding a part time job.   So — start looking.

Forced to eat all that sodium

Don't forget that you came down with stomach bug symptoms as you were traveling thru Portland Friday and that caused you to eat a whole bunch of unhealthy foods loaded with sodium and aka-seltzer, a good 8,000 mg of sodium late Friday night.   I guess it takes about a day for that to register because last week when you lowered your sodium for a couple days it really went down.  Buying that weight scale was a really smart thing to do, well worth $3.  If you check it every day then you can combat your weight gain.   Gained my weight back, 5 lbs. since the flu bug in Wyoming.   So just be reminded tomorrow to have oatmeal for breakfast and lots of salads, etc....for lunch.   Then you will get lower readings tomorrow night — plus walking if you do in the morning.   Being on the road is never healthy with the restaurants around.

Ok for now....

Blood pressure was better this afternoon.  Key is to keep checking it to keep awareness to keep on taking care of yourself.  I think the stretching brought it down, plus relaxing, plus the beet juice and reduced sodium. 

Right now, I need to motivate myself to pay my bills, the three bills that I owe, starting with the car insurance to see that that was paid o.k.  Just need a pen and paper and debit card to do it.  Do it now that will be a big chore off of your shoulders, then you can start getting ready for the weekend in Washington.  I would hide the books, put the guitar in it's case, clean floor, then the minimal packing and be o.k. 

Lust Hit

It is always better that I write to myself first, then edit, then post a couple days later.    About an hour ago I took a hard lust hit.  The only thing I can say to remove much guilt is to say it was accidental, not intentional.   I found old film negatives of myself dressed as a woman, from back in 1998, while sorting through old photographs of mine I was getting ready to upload onto FB.   Back then, I was living alone much of the time, in north Texas, from 17 years ago at a younger age which caused me to MB.   It made me reflect on the time, how long this addiction is going on and yet this really is addiction because of how quickly the lust can hit back, especially with something unexpected like this 

Even though there is church tonight, I still have to get thru the night after that, trying not to be tempted to look back at those images and jerk off.    One person said, here, on Healing the other day that you can not beat this addiction alone.  I am not sure exactly what to pray to my Higher Power (God),  Because after 8pm tonight when I get done with church the lust is going to hit severe.   This might be a night you will have to stay up for most of the night to watch tv videos to counter this, read your SAA book and try to fellowship with others.   I have to remember too that I am on the West Coast and this allows for me to attend phone meetings at 6pm, instead of 7pm, so I can quickly do so before church.

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