understanding my addict brain has been helpfull

In addition to all the SA stuff I also deal with the caffeine.  Actually withdrawing from caffeine can upset your mind-body connection also.   

First, right now, you have written enough and to at least give you enough energy to get through the day, just keeping your eyes closed for the next two hours will be helpful.  You will be bored but maybe you can listen to a youtube video on sex addiction or caffeine withdrawal, or just addiction withdrawal.   Too tired to pray because of this addict brain. 

No place is open until 7, can't make noise until then, when it finally gets light.  Go heat up your hot chocolate so you at least go through the process of having a cup.

Very beat up today

Carlos brother leaving his trailer out front and then having to go to the store, buy a club, park it out front was a minor thing compared to the rest of the day.  Fighting addiction, missing looking at the TG ladies for a thrill, for relief, for hope......not realizii

My Crazy-Makers

Dealing with your Crazy-Makers a good subject to type.   I new that the night was gone, although will still rest my eyes for two hours — have to because no places are open and Rose will start complaining if noise is made before 8am.

First, in no way will we leave on Saturday.  Sunday afternoon is the most likely.  I know that, of course Wanda's brain is so super-scattered that she doesn't know what is what.  

Next we start off the day by not complaining about any of this as God's fault because it isn't.  It is an earthly situation, precipitated by my crazy makers.  I end up having to get two insurance policies.  I probably could do without the counseling. It got charged again.  I should have just cancelled it for now.   But I won't get charged again after January 11.    The insurance is a possible cancel also.

For Wanda to stop driving you insane with all kinds of moving around you would have to go with her to Oklahoma.  I hate it over there but the people are generally o.k. but it would put us in one place.  Or get back here and start volunteering, etc....

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Getting back into asshole mode

I mean in the way  I treat Wanda.  I need to pray for forgiveness of behavior.  Need to pray for recovery from addiction sin, a daily process.   Need to pray for rest and relaxation. Lord I pray to hear my prayers.    I will have to tell Aunt Jo stuff tonight.  Probably be in Casper around the 22nd or 23rd, very close to Christmas. In Salem around the 27th or 28th.  I could expedite, fly up but have to come back and bring stuff up.  

Another way to deal with this junk is to have stuff shipped up to Salem, once we arrive.  Leave the boxes with somebody to ship.  Do not leave with Enrique, don't bother him.  Ernest or Willie, etc....

Difficult to not want to jerk off and visualize the turn on of becoming female.  Too intense.   But I also know, realize that lust is like caffeine.  The more excited that I get, the more it will keep me awake.  And jerking off fast will not solve a thing.  Won't put you to sleep, especially if you try to rush it - so don't experiment. It is lust lying to you . '

This next week too busy

First I will have to be in contact with Steve.  Clean duplex, paint duplex, get keys to him, get rental-lease agreement completed.  Phone number, etc..... (3-4 days).

Wanda two doctor appointments this week.  Me perhaps one. (2-3 days).

Box up items to ship.  Shipping 8-9 boxes + speaker + artwork.  Ship from P.O. or Amtrak.  (PO goes straight to door).  Shipping old photos, music books, coloring books, puzzles, books.  (Will probably reduce a lot for now).  2-3 days.

Finish receipts, contact Southwest Airlines (call Southwest) to get receipts for trips to Illinois.   1-2  days.

Cat.  Buy trap for cat.  Take cat to vets to check for chip.  If no chip, arrange with Humane Society for care.    (3-4 days)

Probably will be a limit on stuff brought.   Might be only coloring books and books + the two DVD cases I have, plus two puzzles.   Old guitar notes.   Possible amplifier bought online shipped to Crestbrook. 

Looking at not leaving until between Dec. 18-20th.   In Casper by Christmas.  Travel 8-9 days.  Arrive before New Year's Day.  Better to call Aunt Jo tomorrow and advise her to send packages to Salem.

Cancel Sunday Albuquerque Journal!!

ok, so the main things to call for are Southwest, finish the receipts, and the Albuquerque Journal cancel paper 

Kinda depressed but have a nice home here now

Yes,  that I do have here in Albuquerque, blessed with that.  All the work done the last three years.  Coming back here I would switch sides.  I would move to the north side and rent out the South side.   When selling this house, the work you did would help it some.  But I don't think this place will get rented out.

First with the counseling, you have this one more week and one more session.  Most likely cancel it next Wednesday. Neither have been effective.  The first one told me things I already know, this next one a bit better listener but hard to get him available.   I guess it is better to do in person.

Also this next week you need to renew blood pressure medicine.   Need to schedule with Dr. Burger and get a couple months worth. 

God is better than dealing with crap here

This is true and what I am supposed to be learning.  Not to worry about the daily crap that goes on here.  Now it is very frustrating to lose stuff, like that DVD player and the receipts.  I can get some of those back, at least from the Illinois trip and can probably get receipt copies from Donner.  Things move around a lot. I moved so much stuff out, I handle so much junk.  I hate junk and can never wait to get rid of it.  I am perfectly content to rid this place of ALL belongings.   Just for having to deal with all the crap that I am always having to deal with.   The DVD player is replaceable.  That it was The Who DVD that was left in the player makes me feel a little bit better.  At this point it tells me it is still in the bedroom somehow, somehow got in the sheets to the laundry or got left at the coffee house. I think there was one day I was bringing the external drive to one of the coffee houses because of The Who DVD in it.   Anyhow at this point I doubt it is on the premises.  You have done some pretty deep searching already.  The next goal will be to get this garage apartment organized.     Starting with getting the belongings I want to ship to Oregon into containers outside.  They will next go into boxes, once I find the tape.  The next assignment will be to sort through all papers and folders until the receipts are found from housework here, to send to Mom.  You also need to look for lease agreement kit. 

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Today's Agenda

Walk, in the bitter cold.  Stretch afterwards.  Begin going thru stuff to put in boxes to send on Amtrak.  Guitar stuff, including guitar dvd's is last.   The only thing I can think of in the DVD's to come up will be the guitar playing DVD's.  Those can actually go in a sleeve, save a lot of space.  One box will be devoted to puzzles.  The Dowdle puzzles and Padres, Giants and 3d puzzles.   Several self-help books to come.  Too personal ones you can buy on Kindle.  Remember that SAA Green Book is on here.   All photos to work on, brought from Bixby to here.  That is another box.  The slide copier/ scanner.  The HP printer and paper and cable to connect.   the Ernst Haas picture and Pit picture, red film,   coloring books and markers.

The guitar with accessories.  DVD's, CD's.    Amplifier.  Exercise gear, pulley's Matt, push-up circles, etc... Anything you see that will work.  

Cela stuff?  Remember you are an addict, so you don't want to feed what is already there. 

Take photos of all your belongings here. 

The goal to bring up is one suitcase, one guitar and camera, this laptop with DVD drive.

Guitar playing can get boring at times.

Yes it can.  You expect too much out of it.  You are no rock star.  You need somebody to improvise with.  Might be good to take guitar lessons again for a couple months.  You have to be able to deal with letdowns.   I mean I spend all that time and money to fix, set up my guitar and all the sudden it gets boring to play.  I would also recommend you do lots of photo copying and then call that place on Carlise to see what they charge to convert an old VHS movie to DVD.

I think around $10 but check around. It might actually be cheaper to buy a movie from Amazon.

As far as today goes, can begin the day by taking a walk again, back to Starbucks for a decaf and then stretching hard when you get home.  Good sleep last night, both units 4 hours a piece.  It does help if you can write things down.

I think things are pretty clear with Wanda, she wants to go back/ remain in Oklahoma. I have been admit that I don't.  Mostly with all the hoarding in the house is terrible.   No room for a second person.   Stay with plans in the Northwest, be strong as you can be.  Remember that, why you came back — and how Mom keeps wanting us back.   Do like you say, look for work up there.

First post with PostEditor

Ok, so what I was suggesting is that you do the majority of your writing in the early evening time, an hour before bed.   Like you said, lust gets most active during the night because it is the first time of that day you are able to act out and let your thoughts go wild.