Nothing should change.........
You are who you are. Wanda's brain totally whacked out. Somewhere at some point in life she forgot that you need to think once in a while. You can't grow until you are fully out and you are making moves. You are going to have to show evidence, proof but just in case she comes for Indian Market will prepare you as best I can. You can't transition in the closet. As you know in CODA, you can not change overnight. Remember how you said you wanted all 12 steps to work and be healed in a week. If she were to come that really motivates me to get out of the closet and that is a good thing. It is true what they say in CODA, you can not begin to change until you have some sort of detachment. Being stuck in a relationship is hopeless. They reiterate that in CODA.
This is the kind of crap I hated from Mike, delaying, held up again.

Too much excitement, too much pressure
You need to be out tomorrow otherwise you will jerk off too much but Taos, after visiting, talking to Glen tonight going out is just too much anxiety for you. My biggest fear is being discovered by one of the SA members. Your brain is pretty screwed up right now but Wanda is still in charge of you. It would be great, just for the photography to get award winning images in Taos but I fear not being able to sleep tonight from overexcitement and no, ejaculation won't make you tired or sleepy. Glenn's conversation tonight brought too much fear, made you express too much denial of your condition. You need to stop acting and pretending that SA has rescued you, kept you from dressing up all the time. It hasn't. Its more about stopping looking at images of other trans people online. Like you said, you need to let Alec go - so YOU can live. You did good, had a good time at TGRC today. You are actually very involved there and out 20% of the time. I dont like to go to the Mall stores on Saturday because they would be too crowded.
Cant sleep because of the excitement of the photography and spending a whole afternoon out which is actually very easy becuase its pride and dont know a sole in Taos so no worries. It is the pressure to fall asleep, knowing every minute out in my little window of free time is critical to my development and proof I exist and better off as a lady and Pride gives me the opportunity. However if you are not sleeping you can not go because its too far to drive, 120 miles 1 way with no rest is too tiring, by the time the noon activities begin you will want to sleep in your car and you wont be able to attend or stay alert to p....well I am tired but it wont last. My biggest problem with crossdressing is not lust, not sex addiction but rather it is anxiety.

Too much in my brain tonight
Of course the situation with Mike. This next week I will write him up on Angies List but I dont want him back here but also not ready to let him go. As far as paying him will give that check to him next week. He is probably going to draw up an invoice.
I did warn myself to be careful as I had to go full steam ahead this week to get work done. Those blocks might be so high that he didnt see them, so he forgot about them. Be gentle about the taxes. If he does bring that up, have Wanda talk to him. Remember your height. The gender stuff of course. Angry because of having to retreat because of a chollo over here. If he gets persistant about it, one, leave town for a while. It was scary but also like no big deal going to the clinic dressed the other day. Maybe this next week get out more. I also can get out tomorrow. You dont have to stay at home with those clowns here. Try to get to makeup class at 2, I hear you Marcela but you need your sleep. He probably took those signs down because, one, no responses or two, outrage over his prices. Like you said, he mainly deals with people in the nicer areas of the city. I understand your need to express your anger and frustration with your GD by not sleeping, hopefully that may draw attention to it. Otherwise too, get back in the gym.

That is because you have Mike coming back, tomorrow. I would clean, clean the north apartment really hard this afternoon. Push it. So tomorrow you can show him what you have left. Clean up the driveway. Don't worry about changing, you are already dressed.

begin role play with Wanda
You need to get confident when you get around her. Looking at her photo today just made me realize how seductive she is to me. Get help, check Amazon, look for role playing books.

Who, me?
Excited if I did go out tomorrow but it is like what is the big deal? Just look good, shave well, good make up. Let people laugh or stare, I am just me hanging out with these men, that is old school, past. Don't like it. I will know where to go, what to do. Alec go away!!

From the Anxiety and Depression Workbook:
My Top Three Change Blocking Beliefs: (About Transition to Woman)
1. You will go back about five steps after taking a couple of steps forward.
2. You will feel too guilty and too embarrassed to change once Wanda finds out you will quickly revert, you always have.
3. You don't look good, too tall, too ugly and the stares, comments will become too much for you and you will end up in retreat.
4. It is now or never. I arranged to get the summer off so I could transition some but it must be done quickly, you have to have a good jump start to convince Wanda this is the right thing to do.
5. The Church of Christ will prevent you, Enrique will prevent you, put fear in you, scare you.
6. My friends at the TGRC will make me want to transition, to make them happy, keep my friendships up.
7. I will get overexcited again, jerk off, ejaculate to prevent myself from going to the codependency meeting tomorrow.
My reflections:
What you have to say is true and you have just been reminded that you need to be doing these exercises daily, reading the Codependency book ALL the time. Be involved in CODA literally EVERY day. Anxiety and Codependency are major parts of your problems. They are the culprits as to why you can't get out of the closet and must be worked on first, or alongside with transition at least. Working on the exercises in the workbooks will help prevent more days like today when I got stuck in thought and jerked off three times..
2. Yes, you are absolutely correct. I've only witnessed this over and over during the course of our entire relationship since 1988. You have been busted over a dozen times and always retreat back to the closet so of course you will go back into the closet again. Odds are right at 100% you will. Without the CODA exercises and Anxiety exercises you will be, remain completely powerless.
3. First you are 55 years of age and 6 ft. 2 giant. Start by joining tall people-tall women's groups. You need to lose about 25 lbs. Brush your teeth, continue to use that moisturizer on your skin. Need to learn how to use eyeliner correctly, those at TGRC can help you.
4. This much of a hurry will totally backfire on you. Nobody completely transitions in 3 to 4 months, so even if you lost 2 months because of Mike here all the time, it won't matter that much.
5. For this it is important to find a different church, one that is not Evangelical or fundamental but more on the teachings in the Bible of love, begin to read, research and commit.
6. You will tell them when you see them at the Tuesday night meeting, the day before intake that you have to pace yourself. You will go through marriage issues, while working through anxiety and codependency disorder issues. This is only the beginning.
step. Stop thinking of life having to work as quickly as a two hour movie.
7. Next week, after being out for a week, with TGRC reopened and influenced by friends and given makeup tips will work much better for you. You miss a week, which cuts into your time here but one, not even two sessions will cure you. Like I said in the first CODA meeting that I wanted and expected to learn and work all 12 steps in one weeks time and be healed. Too impatient. Now we will go to and look on books on developing patience.

Too much anxiety
Ejaculating three times in one day is very bad. Too much thinking about going out. When I do jerk off, I only think about, get totally overexcited about going out of the closet, so excited that I can't stop jerking off. The jerking off controls the anxiety. Then I jerk off so much that I get so exhausted that I don't want to do anything and I give up. (Part of that guilt and shame). And then you have to masturbate over and over again. This is where and when it turns into a sexual addiction. All done in the closet. Poor sense of reality.
Now, because I shaved off my eyebrows put on eyeliner and exhausted myself I have to spend the rest of the afternoon in the garage.
My latest masturbation/ejaculation I kept thinking about going to the CODA meeting as Cela tomorrow. I had done that last year so I knew what to expect. Then to enhance the experience and feel more euphoria I turned to images of Melanie Anne Phillips nude which I had not seen in a long, long time and I was hooked. That catapulted me into ejaculation, total powerlessness. So of course started thinking that I needed to put up the clothing. So, I will probably hide stuff until next Monday or Tuesday because I have a lot to do here at the house and don't want any distractions. Tomorrow I want to get some cement stones down and plaster the wall in the 520 porch.
But you know how looking at images and obsessing on going out in public gets you overwhelmed and can't stop jerking off. Like you said, getting out of the closet helps cure that but you have to always and constantly be out - and then you will need to stop looking at all the transgender images over and over, even if you were out. You might even look at images more and more because stepping out of the closet will become anticlimactic after a while, like it is when you go the TGRC, you don't even know you are dressed as a woman having been there at least 3 dozen times now.
It wouldn't help me to say well I jerked off too much and had to take the day off, which is the truth. Yes, CDing is not all sex addiction but the way you respond to it makes it seem like that is all that it is and suddenly you only want to dress up to jerk off and ejaculate. You use stepping out of the closet, while dressed up as triggering thoughts to make you act out. So, for right now I would put up all your stuff in the back room closet, everything for the next three days. Take off the eyeliner, get a headband to wear over your eyes. That means having to go to Walmart in a little bit. It would take me much too long to find anything here. But you need that head, sweat band more than anything else. Now, you did say, have right in front of you the Anxiety Disorder-Phobia workbook, so let's work at that, even the Transgender one.

No, you have to jerk off put out a bunch of times
Doing so will get you frustrated enough to stop Cding for a while. Twice this morning make you frustrated enough to stop because you get tired of sitting and want to stop.

Stuck with what to do
Well, two things for your confusion. Find your white head band and your purse, also look for your battery charger while you are at it. Will go for lunch with whatever you have on. Or just stay back here and write for another hour. Perhaps by noon you will get your energy back. The head band you can wear at the gym, perfect for that. Will cover your eyebrows.


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