Tonight's Lesson

This was a tough one tonight because David talked about transgender, using Romans 1-3 for analogies. My first reaction was well, you don't know all trans people and their situation so it's not for you to judge. Those who come out very young, those you regularly see so happy when they first come out. That's a sin? How can that be selfish or considered a sin? I saw an alternative definition to selfishness, that it applies under certain conditions. I know I will have a rebuttal to that. the Bible, that I know of, doesn't really talk about trans stuff. Only in Deutoronomy 22:5 and there is the question whether that applies to ALL of human kind, just a race of people, or just a situation. After writing more tonight, write more tomorrow about this. I mean, I have hid this for decades,

I kind of knew....

That I would not sleep tonight after that mail from UPS came, addressed to Cela. Also my journals late last night suggesting I just come out. Truth I guess. But in my thoughts this morning, I realize I still must pace myself. At what pace, I don't know. But I think it is still important, that even if you can have all these images stored in your mind, you still should not be looking at any triggering images on the internet, including yourself, transwomen. That will only make it harder to deal with, especially looking at trans women half your age, that will make you feel down, depressed and jealous. If looking at trans women, your age and older. But like the saying in the Bible about gauging out the other eyeball, if it is causing you to sin - translation - do not look at any images that will cause you to jerk off. You can take from your mind but that is it.
Clothing will be coming in here, perhaps as early as today, to begin to clear storage as I have to go over there to clear stuff out. It would be too much stress to get rid of it as I would just repurchase everything.

RU really serious?!

Where exactly I stand, I don't know. Well, you know I would like you to come out full time as a woman and to Wanda, just to tell her, look, this is enough, tired of having to hide this, hold this in. It's in me, can't help it, tried. And for me to blossom, you would have to leave, can't explain why right now. Gets harder. I guess the coming out of the closet while you were gone during the summers had a huge impact on me. I discovered an inner peace I had not felt in decades and made new friends I could relate to. Anger and depression disappeared. I got counseling at a local trans center, the therapist said "it sure sounds like gender dysphoria to me." I was schedule to go on this intake process, to be examined for hormones. Intake comes once the therapist approves of your situation. Gender dysphoria in only 2 sessions diagnosed. I am just great at hiding it in.

Texas church shooting

I have wanted to discuss this shooting but must be super careful where it goes and what I say if it goes public, you might do a search blogs and search Texas shooter to read hopefully a variety of opinion and not just sympathy. This guy had an axe to grind and got pushed over the edge. I can look back and be eternally grateful I never had a weapon because I too had very irrational anger directed at my in-laws especially back in the 1990s and had the hardest time in the world acting. A weapon could easily remedy that situation. Growing up I had low self esteem and would have searched for anything that would have made me feel better, the first was being so turned on by the appearance of a woman that I wanted to be one myself. It happened to be the first thing that I found and if not for that, I would have probably turned to drugs or alcohol to feel better.

Glad to have a couple hours of space

Looking back thru the past 5 days has been tough here because of lack of boundaries. I think of that Texas shooter and am so glad I have never owned a weapon. I can see the stress in the situation, he had no boundaries, no outlets, clearly severe rage, Anger that turned into rage, angry at his in-laws, angry at losing his job, that plus owning a gun and there you go- that is all it takes. go back to psychcentral forums and type in "rage." B
I get concerned about my teeth brushing, one I can proclaim laziness - but also dont like looking at my male side in the mirror yet.

Journaling-Pros and Cons

Pros are that it is cheap and you can hear all your negative thoughts and challenge them. Won't be hurt by crosstalk.
Cons are time and space available to write. Takes longer to write than it does to talk.

Done with sleep for the night

Here it is, 4am. Very tired again. Of course but I also know that I am done with sleeping for the night. Just enough thought and worry about seeing George tomorrow evening church. You know, he knows my secrets and stuff and I know his and because of that there is going to be, from now on, this inner tension between the two of us when we visit. But with Wanda with me I won't have to worry too much about it. My thoughts are to get my laundry done, done early but would have to take it to the Wash-Around-the-Clock. I guess I can do that, then iron stuff here, not too big a deal, get cat food. You will do o.k. As long as you don't jerk off. Even maybe get a short bike ride in - but to be advised, Wal-Mart where you buy detergent does not open until 6am. I write all my thoughts out and important to print them out because I can tell which way my life is going. Yes of course, thoughts about transition, thoughts about being back here in Albuquerque and the two weeks alone coming up BUT most worry is on tomorrow and seeing, meeting George. My guess is I will just be quiet, best to just keep quiet. Knowing that we will be around company you won't have to worry about expressing your true feelings, other than lies I will be able to make up easily enough. No laundry detergent right now, otherwise I would begin washing/drying my clothes, don't really care if I don't get much rest tonight. I think I got 4 to 5 hours of sleep early and for me that usually is enough. The television and the loud airplanes woke me up.
I do think about myself when Wanda is gone. I know for a fact what my immediate urge will be - to dress up. Unless those clothes are thrown away, you will go to storage and dress up- too tempting, it's too much fun. Feels good. Write out the pros and cons, remember the aftermath, do lots of therapy. That will help you get by.

Dangerous Emotions

Too much analyzing of late has been scary, it has given me a scary truth about my marriage-relationship. It has made me become dangerously close to hitting Wanda. I know I can not communicate with her because she is so aggressive, pushy in her requests to constantly do things that I have come very close to striking her. I remember last Spring us shoving one another briefly. Stuff like that is no good. I write out this prayer right now. Heavenly Father, I write out this prayer because I just can't be articulate when I talk. I have trouble, I'm a big-time sinner, I have evil thoughts. I do not like these evil thoughts. I pray for them to go away. I pray for some resolution of peace between myself and Wanda. There are problems - if you have been watching us- you or my guardian angel, you can see there are problems. I pray for more boundaries. I pray for my space. I pray to be able to find some kind of capacitating work very soon, if necessary to volunteer right here in Albuquerque. I thank you that I have been able to cut-back, reduce my feelings of dressing as a woman, as I have been looking at life more realistically but I pray to not become so angry from withdrawal symptoms. I ask this prayer in the name of my lord, Jesus Christ. Amen

Gender Dysphoria part 2

Continuing from the last entry yes it sucks when you feel like you have tp ask for permission when beginning to change your gender, it is really sad when you have to say, "Mom or Wanda why won't you let me change my gender?! Here are the two of you, liberal people who admire lgbt people as long as it is not one of their own.

My thoughts on my Gender Dysphoria

Right now thoughts are on meeting with Jake at 3pm tomorrow and worry of not sleeping tonight and not being able to function, yet at the same time have to meet with him - obligated to and making a fool out of myself because I appear too tired. This I need to write down for the counseling. It does sound like you will be able to get a good portion of your money back from the most recent house work and trips to Illinois so should start working on that.
As for with Gender dysphoria, I of course, all the time visualize myself as a woman, coping better with issues, loving myself ever so much more that I just can't do as a man. I don't know beyond that. But I keep thinking too it would be nice to stay here on Vassar and connect full time with TGRC and begin transition. But - and I said this back before this summer and began a few years ago saying that I have MAJOR codependency issues that have to be taken care of first before I should physically begin the process of m2f transition. That would be like pulling the cart before the horse. With my approval and Coda addiction my mind basically has to have the approval and blessing of someone else before I can do anything and that is sick - but it is also me and a part of my CODA disorder. And now I should look into Danes