You no sex addict
tracyrichards
Well, not a frequent one. To me it doesnt make sense to dispute an activity you enjoy. I think it works better through fundamental and evangelical Christianity. Well I just woke up a few days later. Masturbating, jerking off four times a day. Overwhelmed from dressing up as a lady. Plagued by boredom and depression over Samon Pi. But it is all I have to do right now. Need that lust to keep me excited.

You no sex addict
tracyrichards
Well, not a frequent one. To me it doesnt make sense to dispute an activity you enjoy. I think it works better through fundamental and evangelical Christianity.

Trying to understand things here in Salem
tracyrichards
First, you are here temporary. You cant expect to be here more than two months, or even two weeks. So dont get down on yourself about that. Mom is the one- and her indecisevness that has caused us to not settle down anywhere. As such we will have to leave and let things be. She is more to blame than you or Wanda. Keep the plan to return to the southwest as soon as checks are released.

Bored, low energy and broke....
tracyrichards
Not much else new here in Oregon. I feel pretty lethargic. I wont take anymore of those pain killer pm pills. Leave me too groggy. Even with 7 hours sleep I feel like doing nothing. Doing stuff though, waking up, showering, cleaning yourself up will make you feel better toight- a start. Yesterday I saw a bunch of my trans images on the computer and cleared them off, found my long lost phone

2017 Begins
tracyrichards
So I think this is my first post of the year. There is a lot going on in my mind. So much in fact that I can't sort anything out. There is a lot of fear. My codependency and doing whatever Wanda would like yet today knowing she is probably bored, Housebound from the ice and snow. My prayer life lacks and needs to improve. I get too lazy or I take things for granted and just end up not caring. As a result things get put off more and more and more and get into a deeper depressive state not a suicidal kind but I mean the kind that puts you in an incapacitated state where you freeze up can't move can't do anything. A lot of frustration and overwhelming feeling. I brought too much stuff back here from Oklahoma along with all the other stuff I have in here and I don't know where to put things it is overwhelming. I need new shelves, those are expensive. I am going to have to leave suff in boxes ad crates in the closet. I guess I have to look at it as I have to start somewhere but now too afraid to move as I dont want to hurt myself,or rearange any of yhis crap but I guess I need to look at it as I need to start something, start somewhere. Like maybe if I can get this drawer in the closet that will motivate me to get more a ccomplished. Like I said, there is not enough shelving in here to hold everything. I need a big shelve and not from inside the house. Justsyart somewhere.

What will this next year bring?
tracyrichards
Lets try not to think too much about money and things and talk about you and Wanda. It is no doubt how last summers experience at the TGRCNM had an affect on me. My thoughts are,could I be alone, could I do it- transition. Well. you seem to really like what you look like on the outside but not like your thinking on the inside. I dont think like a female and would not want the activities, hobbies that most have. Remember Diane and how lonely, frustrated she is? This is no perfect world where things work out to perfection. It would be nice to take a class, do-learn something. Get involved in better Bible study too. I think that the Gibsons are exaggerating Freddie some about his behaviors. He could have slipped into sin, like all us addicts do. But listening to him talk and preach I could tell he would still prefer to have a union with God.
Yes, I still think it is mostly dress up that turns you on. I got really involved m, especially at the end because I knew it would be a very long time before I had that opportnity again

2016 The odd year it was
tracyrichards
Back to thebeginning of te
he year, early January, coming from Bixby after feeling forced out of my Vassar home by Gwen. we

We went o
to oregon on January 8. I stayed for 5 weeks and Wanda for 3. Because of Winnie housing situation we got to visit Washington twice. It was fun, with lots of great pictures. But I knew I wanted to get back here because this is where the cats were. Got back to Bixby in early February,same day of Super Bowl. I tstarted to feed Samon Pi again and this time, after 12 days,on Valentines Day he befriended me. We had good times together with the four cats until we left back to Albuquerque in late April. Mother died on May 3rd. Very fast it was. Wanda, who always leaves shortly after a death went back to Bixby in late May. This gave me the opportunity to participate in Pride activities for the very first time. This however intoxicated and poisoned me. I returned to Bixby about six weeks later, July 6. On August 11th we left for California and Oregon and New Mexico. We were only in Albuquerque for one night. Wanda wanted to see the country so we drove out from Oklahoma. It was worth it though - spectacular. And I finally got to see San Jose again. On September 16 we went back to Olahoma following shocking news of Gary passing away. Just before Halloween we returned to Albuquerque this time taking Samon
Pi with us, who has been there almost two months now. Had to make the unwanted trip back to Oklahoma again on December 21 returned here and cant leave until January 4 when we go back to Albuquerque for a few days then back to Oregon.
So, this past year we stayed in Oregon twice. A total of 10 weeks, in Albuquerque at least 3 times. I was in Albuquerque 10 weeks + 7 weeks. Around something like 17 weeks. Then I was in Bixby something like February thru May. Six weeks in Fall time, two weeks right now. 22 weeks in Oklahoma. So estimate 23 weeks in Oklahoma, 18 weeks in Albuquerque and 11 weeks in Oregon. This next year is going to start out about the same. Looking at 8 to 10 weeks in Oregon. Ten days of travel. April thru August back in Albuquerque. Fall time back here. That is if you follow and do everything Wanda and Mom want you to do. So the question is where does that leave me with what I want to do for next year. I think that my preferred residence is in Albuquerque. I will get the opp for much of the spring and summer. It would be fun to do Pride again but it would also be helpful for you to get heavily involved in the SA group. I am glad now that you were forced to mention it to Wanda. I would guess the most likely scenario is moving back up to Washington to be closer to mom and not have to keep going through the same bs That has really been awful for you. At first I really liked it
, not staying in one spot and always moving around as it was great for my photography. But now it is old with the three cats in Albuquerque Also getting involved with the TGRCNM for the first time very helpful. And now with money the ideal would be to get FFS and anew face. ButI have to be realistic about stuff. I will need to pray about this stuff and God will not give you something that relates to sin or hurting others. So you would be better to hold onto your money as much as possible. I know Wanda will want to ge all kinds of stuff done here. I would notwant to live here without my ownspace and room. Again what I would love would be to be back in Albuquerque and begin transition if alone. And again thst prayer willnot be answered because there is sin and hurt in it. Even if it is going to make you happier. You need to get back to Bible Study.
As for Washington. Because of Jennifers situation that house could be readily available to us.
Keep in mind that prayer will go a lot farther than lust will. You will be able to deal with those around you better.
.

Trying not to lust
tracyrichards
I do have the white book available to me online. I read some of the chapter on lust last night. It helped in getting me back to sleep, at midnight. So I did get six hours of sleep. I was relieved to get relief from my symptoms. Try to follow that path.
The biggest cause of my lust outburst these past couple weeks has been the upcoming inheritance fund. Having $100k available to me and all the fun things I could do with it. Thinking about ffs>researching that> finding images>lusting & jerking off>searching, finding website of photo alterations>get photo back two days later>intense feelings inbetween.....
I am still feeling that and mst pray to be releaed from it for all the trouble it causes. The anxiety, etc.. ..
Tomorrow is.Christmas and know that it will be a full day socially. I would rather be back in Albuquerque with cats jerking off.

Trying not to lust
tracyrichards
I do have the white book available to me online. I read some of the chapter on lust last night. It helped in getting me back to sleep, at midnight. So I did get six hours of sleep. I was relieved to get relief from my symptoms. Try to follow that path.
The biggest cause of my lust outburst these past couple weeks has been the upcoming inheritance fund. Having $100k available to me and all the fun things I could do with it. Thinking about ffs>researching that> finding images>lusting & jerking off>searching, finding website of photo alterations>get photo back two days later>intense feelings inbetween.....

Too much into my fantasy world
tracyrichards
From downloading that picture, the desire to be alone for dressing up and pretending to live as a woman. Those I go to step one and know that I am powerless over this, therefore seek the help of a higher power. Thats what addiction is as I understand it. Too much thrill in it.

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