What can I do for Tracy tomorrow?
tracyrichards
First pray the Liars Prayer. Pray to go back to being Alec full time. Pray that you continue to act and be the person that the Church of Christ wants you to be, pray for Wanda to get back here fast, continue to be a submissive slave to her and whatever she wants you to be. Remember how Wanda told you once that she's a woman and you're a man. Pray to continue to use Wanda to help your manhood. Remember "Deny thyself." Meaning to not be yourself. Understand that this is ALL temptations from the Devil. You don't want to end up in the Pit. Pray to ignore all selfish activities and accomplishments, remember the eyes on the prize - eternal life.
(Look part of this is true and the rest is sarcasm. I do love Jesus, I do believe but I think even if it is written, it is filled with incompleteness in parts

This is only the beginning
tracyrichards
I got roughed up today. Amazing that I got over to the Resource Center as fast as I did and that a counseling spot was even available. I got there at 3pm. Enrique of course. Lucky he had to go help his son. He would have easily been here until nightfall. At least he called before coming over this time. The a/c will be well taken care of tomorrow, long before he comes back. Things always go wrong when he works on the place and it takes 2-3 times longer. I think he is getting the picture though that I would rather not have him around.
I kind of surmised about Gender Dysphoria. Well, having a letter will be really helpful to you. A long way to go, this is closer for you but it is easy enough to go backwards and plenty of pitfalls will occur. I am still a bit blocked out from the workmen, who will be here the next 3-4 days. Will have to dress up outside the home, like I did today. Reminder, get purple bag out of car right now. Ok. Did. Only thing I want to do left is find the Losarten, missing 6 days now. Will look in bedroom and living room hard. In fact move things from bedroom and living room into back bedroom until found. Basically will have to gut the place out. Start in bedroom.
All those things about transition. I know. That is what I came back here for. I hope to expand on stuff..One day at a time. I think for tonight the only focus needs to be finding your medicine and submitting your photos to TranSpire

Could I have held on? No.
tracyrichards
I needed to step out. I need to get out today too. The cost is usually to suck it up by masturbating heavy to deal with the frustration of not being able to step out. Counseling (especially free!) is very important to me, while you can get it. Just carry all your belongings with you. Partial dress in the park, the rest at the center. I probably would have gotten very frustrated othwerwise, jerked off very hard and thrown and broken things.

Facts to Face
tracyrichards
And this has nothing to do with God's Plans, etc... it has to do with the fact that you and Wanda have known each other since 1984, married since 2000. Transition would likely have to take place in front of her. She ain't backing down, plus your codependency. Also she will probably be back here before long. Look for her to return by July, maybe even sooner. You should be free for Pride, etc....but you need a whole lot more time than that and/or that event. Michael is here so that could alter plans a little bit for the day. Just take clothes, etc...on the go with me. Change in the park, like yesterday. He probably won't even be here all day, works faster than Enrique. If it was Enrique he would shout my name and barge into the house. Speaking of facts. And again, another thing to not blame God about. You hired this guy two weeks ago and he can come at anytime he wants to.

For him there is no need
tracyrichards
I was so happy I made it to the TGRCNM today and saw Diane. I embraced her, gave her a warm hug. I will invite her to eat somewhere with me soon. Today was a good day there. Tomorrow we go again. Counseling will be there. I think I can let up on the masturbation having stepped out of the closet today. Got the artist submission. I can win that one. Still got perturbed by Wanda contacting me. I know it will come. You need to detach a bit.

Counseling-Finally
tracyrichards
Self analysis for right now but that is a big move and a start for me and my very lazy and confused mind right now. At least I can begin to sort things out. This time, no writing on other sheets, using the workbooks to do ALL of the work in. Maybe now I will be able to get some rest, more energy, better planning and goal setting.

What now?
tracyrichards
Eventually this rearranging and clearing out stuff will get too tiring. Well, it already is, just like getting on this machine just to type-also tiring. I slept good last night, as soon as I could get my thoughts together from the rough day, night in dealing with the church people.
So, how much can I get done today? I would like to move soon into that garage and start work in there. It might work then to bring this chair back into the garage so I can look at books. I want to use the Anxiety-Phobias Workbook, writing in it will help you. Help you to sort out your thoughts for the upcoming days so you are organized and not too overwhelmed. I think today's actual work is here at home. That is why these 9 storage tubs are in here and may well buy 4 to 5 more large tubs and three more medium size tubs, for the kitchen stuff, back porch and north bedroom.
A good thing you went to church last night so you at least kept up a religious obligation. I am kind of tired of the congregation as you know. Get tired of Willie, Fran and Enrique. As for the TGRCNM it is a kind of be careful what you wish for thing. Yes, religion plays a big part in not going, as does the fear of Enrique coming over (or Michael too). Still too much fear and anxiety, which is why that Anxiety Phobias book is good for you to start using as a workbook. It would also be beneficial to get back to SA meetings.
Again for today, I would go buy yet more tubs, the amount you said and that way that is what I can do today. (will also need bubble wrap for the kitchen stuff). Should be packed up in this north unit in 1 to 2 days. Then go back to storage and get 5 more giant tubs for the inside of that unit (those loose bags). So, for the next 2-3 days just be packing. Of course with activity like that I have no desire to do anything else. Even if it's going to the TGRCNM place.

What to do......stuck?
tracyrichards
Hard to figure out what to do. I just sit around and daydream right now because I do not know what to do with myself. I think the first thing I wanted to do was to find my Lotensin medication. I should be able to find it with enough tearing up the house. Afraid though to do any more moving around and tearing up stuff right now, after this morning and my 4 hours at the storage facility. That went very well. A couple times getting frustrated with the mess, stepping on things, slipping on things, etc...but I got things well organized. Better than before. Those tubs really helped ALOT.
I am thinking that I probably should go tonight to church. Make up from yesterday. So, if Enrique is there, he will leave me alone. I get him paid and he will leave me alone.
I haven't gotten anywhere with the TG stuff. Mostly has been masturbation, thinking, buying a couple items at the store and that is it. I do want to get back to the TGRCNM ASAP. I was hoping for tomorrow but more likely Tuesday. I need to work out a schedule of what to do. Things for this next week, yes, get back to the TGRCNM and see if my old friends are still hanging around. Mention about apartment upcoming to rent and if Nancy is there, electrician work, changing the outlets. But I would also like to take the car in to Quom's for service. Brakes, Suspension, struts, shocks? See what needs to be done and if that won't be too much needing to be done. Otherwise, then focus on a second hand car - truck.
As for getting my true self together. Get that bicycle - although don't forget about the tubes, sealant for punctures. Also that black tank top and order some ladies active wear. I feel right now though hooked to getting this house completed. I am grateful to have money in that way I can do stuff. This week the projects will be taking the car in to get fixed (get bike or ride your black one for when it is in the shop). The tubs in the storage will use for what is in the storage right now, or go back and see if I can bring some back. Otherwise, need, for 520 unit, 12-15 more storage tubs (medium size) and 5 more giant size for clothing room.

Enrique definitely a problem
tracyrichards
With him coming around here a lot. Especially with all this obvious work around the house, he will continue to show up. Even after telling him no, he still calls the next day, persuading me to let him continue working on the swamp cooler. Because of my codependency and inability to say no in the situation here, we will have to work on other ways to shooo him off. First thought was/is to put a lock on the gate to 520, a bar of some kind that will keep it from opening, next of course is to put up a fence for the 522 unit. Next, like you say you are doing, stay out of the house - know the times that he comes over and stay away as much as possible from here - and your phone. Next, going to have to stop going to University Church of Christ for a while. Go to Riverside, or even Santa Fe, so he will stop asking you crap.
Indeed, freedom and opportunity here, to fully explore my fem side, being careful not to make it become too much of a sex addiction.

Always Learning
tracyrichards
First, relieved, after 2 weeks and probably close to $5k spent on the road, finally, FINALLY be leaving the Pacific Coast for inland. So many delays and I was powerless over the whole situation, from my codependency, overeating, approval addiction, spending addiction - from my overall addictive behavior I was stuck in a losing battle. While trying to find time and a way to deal with personal issues like grief, etc...Wanda being stuck in much the same situation too, except for the grief.
I have a feeling that once we are away from the Coast, we will travel much faster.
I overlooked last night, with the meal and 5 to 6 glasses of water. Then up every 30 minutes for a while with six bathroom trips last night.

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