Now you are getting it

Lust that is, that any thought you put into your head, that is pleasure related and not related to God is considered a sin.    So even if you are not jerking off, that wild lust and feeling of euphoria is raging in your brain.  That is addiction.

Evening Prayer

Heavenly Father, 

After reading the book on Approval Addiction and understanding better that I was not trusting enough in your word and pray to continue to stay risen above the feelings I have for my sister Gwen.  I also pray for my transgender stuff, for knowledge with that and sex addiction.  I understand that my prayers can't be answered until I begin walking in faith first.

For that Heavenly Father I pray for other men that I can form a focus group of study with, to study your word and for help with codependency as well.  I get lost Father because I try to hard and get impatient and can't find anyone to talk to.  As such, Heavenly Father I pray to be able to find the right people to talk to and listen. 


Approval Addiction

First, reading this book, by Joyce Meyer taught me some biblical truth, that the Devil is controlling my thoughts with Gwen.   That he is making my thoughts more important about Gwen then they are about God.    It was powerful, an unexpected 2.5 hours of sleep after that salvaged some of my night.   Like a miracle, though it really wasn't.  I was desperate and I needed help and the reading, translated from the word of God did what I could not do as a human, by myself.   I had too many worries about Gwen.  I just don't like her or being around her. 

This brings up the thought of religion as sooner or later this will draw a debate from Gwen.   First, I think you have heard enough evidence from listening to the word of God that becoming absorbed in the power of the Holy Spirit is far more important than being absorbed in how you look.   How you look, won't change the way that Gwen treats you.   How long would becoming a woman change the way you acted and reacted to her before you cracked?  Say, once the euphoria wears off and you don't have the Holy Spirit in your life?   You have now seen and heard some pretty ugly stories of sibling abuse, which involves sisters. 

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She bothers me so much and is not even around

Codependency.  Read about Codependency.  Read, then reread the 12 steps right now of Codependency and all this will start making sense.  And yes, I think you can be pretty convinvincing that you need to get the heck out of here. 

I just get irritated with all these questions, all this stuff I feel I have to do and keep doing.   I think you are right, the closer you are to Salem, the more that she will keep asking you to come over and help.  

Stress and worry prayer

Father, forgive me.  Too much stress and worry in dealing with my sister that I seek the immediate relief at 2:30 in the morning when I can't sleep.   I pray that I can find help in dealing with my problems with my sister.  I need guidance Father, in the name of your son, Jesus Christ — Lord hear my prayer.   Amen. 

As I close for the night

Be sure to pray before going to bed.  Right now, reflecting on this day we learned that you have codependency issues with Gwen and to work on those.  Also the guy who wrote about dealing with family of origin issues in the SA group, write him back. 

Father, I thank you for this day, getting thru it.  I pray for peace of mind, I pray for Gwen.  I am tired, Father, I pray you know I care, I want to follow your word,  I want to keep trying.  Amen

Start with a Prayer

Heavenly Father,  I come to you now in my time of struggles in dealing with my sister Gwen.   I understand there was a lot of ugly sibling rivalry between the two of us.  I pray for peace and separation from this.  I must pray for her as well.  Forgive me my sins father.  I pray to keep praying, to trust you.  Amen.

Yes, tonight's letter.  Be careful to not disclose much information.   Not volunteer information.  Having done that for mom  I don't know if that would make her upset because she didn't have a hand in it.   Be careful, be very careful.  SMALL TALK ALWAYS.

Relieved to have some sobriety today

I think yesterday, driving around and looking at places together helped the both of us — well it helped me to express to Wanda how pointless it is to stick around here after Gwen gets here.   It was depressing and the depression came out.   That is, that only when Gwen is gone would I come over.   No more really, than a month.  And that sticking around here only encourages her to take off more.   The farther away that way go, the more Gwen will feel stuck here and sooner she will want to go looking for her own place.   But she will be around here as she still needs a mother to tell her what to do.   The best that I can do is get her prepared for when Gwen arrives, keep reminding her of the idea to get a rental, that has all she needs, close to Winnie. 

Today will continue to clear the basement but will start with buying giant garbage bags to take items to Goodwills Donations, from the storage unit.  I can keep clearing the west side until all that is left in there will be the two bikes, freezer and two wooden cubes and three chairs.   That will look really clear at that point and can have all that done by the end of this weekend. 

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You don't protect me by jerking off....Calm Down!

You know what I am talking about. Your escape from yourself to change your identity in order to deal with Gwen — that's ok., nothing wrong with doing that but do you have to just about knock yourself out senseless with an overload of masturbation and euphoria?  Basically it is same as reaching for a drug to escape dealing with a situation — in your case, dealing with Gwen.    You can still play keep away, next visit — make plans today with Wanda for a two night- two day trip to somewhere.    

Also you should check out the community of Sublimity. 

Try to write out all your thoughts

...before acting out next time.    I will listen and work on a compromise but also, all this jerking off, it is not good for your heart, keeps you awake, messes up your exercising and it's like in the next week or so I really need to bust my rear to clear this basement — such as tomorrow I need to take 3-4 car loads to storage early.   It wears you out, so try to write out your thoughts, write out scenarios next time, before acting out.  Also consider group still.....

Yes, has been a lot of jerking off this week, looking at photos from last summer going out and making friends and completely changing myself has been more overwhelming exciting than I can handle and thus has caused me to masturbate heavily, especially with realizing I might be able to come back after all for Pride and come back for medical treatment and be alone in Albuquerque for maybe a couple weeks.    Then thoughts of telling mom and sister, coming out here — all this causing great anxiety.   Triggers started last night, before bed playing guitar when I was challenging that I was playing guitar to try to become more masculine.  That is b.s.  You know by know just about anything is gender neutral and that you don't care how you look when you play, you just want to enjoy playing guitar and not worry about it.   In fact it is better to stay male playing guitar so that you are not over focused on your body, with anxiety so you can concentrate on your guitar playing.  You visualize yourself dressed up, or dressed up then all you will think about is that and you're not concentrating on your playing.   You instead want to jerk off because that feels better, and then go look at images, then fantasize yourself while masturbating so that becomes the main thing to do.